Live Happy: Learning by example

Courage, my love

Final in a 17-part series

By DEKYI-LEE OLDERSHAW

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us,” wrote American mythologist Joseph Campbell.

The quality Campbell speaks of — courage — is the final of The 16 Guidelines For Life. Courage fuels our motivation to act upon what we care deeply about with a strength we perhaps didn’t know was there.

VIDEO: What is courage?

It is about stretching, realizing that something more or different can be done — and doing it despite fear or obstacles.

Wangarai Maathai from Kenya is recognized for her struggle for democracy, human rights and environmental conservation, in spite of persecution.

“Throughout my life, I have never stopped to strategize about my next steps,” she once said. “I often just keep walking along, through whichever door opens.”There are times that we have to stand up and speak out. And we have to know when to be firm and when to be malleable. For some witnessing this soft strength, it may seem nuts, but out of love it may be just the right thing to do.

Chris Worobec, of Assumption Catholic Secondary School in Burlington, has great respect for kids trying to make sports teams.

“Ten per cent of kids make the cut to play varsity sports while the others face the daunting task of putting themselves out there against those odds,” he says. “To be told that they aren’t on the team is hard to hear, but they try anyway. That takes courage.”

Regardless of the outcome, acting courageously results in a sense of relief, inner satisfaction and a feeling that something has shifted and we’ve grown.

“Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway,” actor John Wayne once said.

Try this: Is there something worthwhile that you long to accomplish or to say that could benefit others? What is it that holds you back? How substantial is that fear? Are you willing to accept the fear, then carry on by breaking down the task into smaller steps?

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines for Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com. 

Do you have a story about courage? Join the blog and comment by clicking below.

Serving others, serve yourself

The 15th of the 16 Guidelines for Life — service – is our full expression of love.

Service means recognizing one another and what is needed, and then mobilizing our caring into action. Our efforts toward others’ happiness results in our own.

VIDEO: What is service?

It took Mark Checkley of Hamilton three years to get help after a work injury that left him depressed and fighting with workers’ compensation officials, lawyers, MPs and doctors.

“By getting out into the world and seeing others’ suffering, you have two choices: to embrace your pain or come out of it by helping others,” he says.

“So I volunteered to help people with disabilities in a chronic pain group to show them that you can live with these injuries. By putting the idea that I am in pain out of my mind, I can continue doing stuff that I like to do, whether for myself or the service of others. In that way I serve myself in a great way, emotionally, physically and psychologically.”

Patricia Gagic, a Hamilton visual artist, is involved in local international non-profit organizations, including Free The Children.

“Working for what is good becomes what love is, the kindness and moment when you are embracing the feeling of helping someone and they respond to you,” she says.

“Initially, it is about helping those who need basics, food and shelter and then the win/win occurs. We can help strengthen their culture to sustain their community for the future.”

Try this: Write down your three strongest qualities and three activities you most enjoying doing. Now add three values that give your life meaning. Think of one way that you could serve others by combining some of these and start now. What would be your first step?

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines for Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

Do you have a story about service? Join the blog by clicking on the comment link below.

Passion with principles

What do you care about so much that when you see it being jeopardized, your passion arises and you want to do something about it?

The 14th of the 16 Guidelines For Life — principles – are the foundation for the power to take a stand about things that matter to us. Doing this makes our lives meaningful.Your principles may be easier to identify by checking what gets the fire churning in your gut. Getting upset about a persistent issue is the sign that a principle you hold strongly has been breached.

It is niggling and uncomfortable to act in a way that does not feel right, regardless of what others’ influence might be.

VIDEO: Passion with Principles

Albert Schweitzer was an Alsatian German-French theologian, musician, philosopher and physician who embraced the principle of “reverence for life.”

“Woe to us if our sensitivity grows numb,” he wrote. “It destroys our conscience in the broadest sense of the word: the consciousness of how we should act dies.” In a famous experiment at Princeton University in 1973, a group of theology students were told to hurry to another campus building to deliver a sermon on the Good Samaritan. They passed an actor lying on the ground in pain and in need of help.

In their haste to deliver a sermon on compassion, 90 per cent of the students ignored the needs of the suffering person. Some literally stepped over him.

Who are you? How can you make the best of the years you spend on this earth? We may need to abandon a narrow and self-centred view of ourselves and the world to embrace what is important to us.

Try this: Take a few moments to identify what issues fire you up? What do they tell you about yourself and what is important to you?

Identify your own personal guidelines on how to think and behave. Do you manage to live up to them? If not, what might you do about it?

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com

Share your principles or comment on this blog by clicking below.

Aspiration is fuel

Change is all around us. It is a law of nature. If everything is changing, then anything is possible.

The 13th of the 16 Guidelines For Life — aspiration – is a profound longing for purpose and fulfillment that lies deep in our hearts and urges us to use our lives well. It is the fuel for positive change.

VIDEO: What others say about aspiration

Craig Keilburger started his organization, Free The Children, when he was 12 after reading a newspaper clipping about a 12-year-old boy who was murdered in the street in Pakistan for speaking out against child labour.

Craig realized he and his friends could improve the lives of children on the other side of the world. Free The Children has inspired more than a million young people to get involved in building schools, health care, sanitation and small business development support in more than 45 countries

“We are the generation we have been waiting for,” he says.

Sharon Babineau of Hamilton founded the Maddie’s Wish Project after her 15-year-old daughter, Maddie, passed away after a three-year battle with cancer.

“During her short lifetime, she made a difference and helped children halfway round the world by giving away her Children’s Foundation Wish to build a school in Africa. Her ability to touch lives, to make the world a better place is a legacy we all can aspire to attain,” says Babineau.

“I now aspire to find the courage my daughter showed us all,  overcoming fear of the unknown and letting go of the what-ifs that were holding me back.”

Try this: What would make your world a better place? What would you like to see happen that is so inspiring that it could take more than one lifetime to accomplish? Are you willing to start it now? What would be the first small step?

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

Loyalty creates strength and stability

 
“Peace is caring for those who depend on us and trusting those we depend on,” says the Dalai Lama.

The 11th of the 16 Guidelines For Life — loyalty – creates strength and stability in our lives.

VIDEO: Live Happy through Loyalty

Taking responsibility for each other is often the glue that holds our friendships and families together. It’s a lifeline that helps us function well and feel safe and supported through times of change

“Loyalty is standing by someone when they are at their weakest and worst, and having faith that their strongest and best will transcend,” says Oakville’s Wendy Perkins who started Home Suite Hope, which provides stable housing and support to the homeless.

Deborah Siegel of Burlington exemplifies loyalty to a cause. She took the idea of helping others by paying it forward. Her organization, Acts of Kindness Network, connects Halton people in need with individuals and resources that can help.

Elizabeth Stronski from Niagara-On-The-Lake says: “I admire people who are loyal to who they are, to their values and to their convictions. Once we have this strength within, we live a much more conscious and happy life because we are at peace with our actions.”

Carmen Orlandis, a Hamilton storyteller, says: “The greater sufferings I have experienced in my life were not caused by illnesses or misfortunes, but by betrayal. I learned loyalty on my father's lap. I tried to honour the sacredness of the word given and also the loyalty offered by my friends.”

Try this: Are you close to someone who is having a difficult time at the moment? Take a few quiet moments to consider their situation and needs. Is there something practical you can do to support them? Are you willing to do it? If not, what is holding you back?

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

Who makes you feel grateful?

As much as we would like to be, we are neither independent nor self-sufficient. Instead we are part of an extraordinary continuum of events and beings on this planet.

The 11th of the 16 Guidelines For Life — gratitude — celebrates our connections with other beings and our capacity to support each other.

VIDEO: Views of Gratitude

Burlington’s Kayte Cleary retired from the Toronto police force and has been involved with The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom for four years.

“When feeling grateful, I find it impossible to feel unhappy. It is as if the two feelings cannot co-exist,” she says.

“It’s not an easy choice for us to think about and focus on the things we can be grateful for, but it is a choice … that will forever make us feel happy.”

The devastating tsunami that hit Asia and east Africa in December 2004 had a powerful effect on Buddhist monk Venerable Thich Nguyen Thao from Vancouver.

As an expression of gratitude to the people of Indonesia, Thailand and Malaysia who provided help to Vietnamese refugees such as himself, he decided to sell one of his meditation centres and donate the proceeds of about half a million dollars to the Canadian Red Cross tsunami relief fund.

When the initial shock of the sale had worn off, his congregation commented that it was the best lesson they had ever received from their teacher, adding, “We can have a temple of compassion instead.”

Try this: What is going well in your life? Can you identify six people who have contributed to this situation directly or indirectly? Have you expressed your appreciation? Some of them may be hard to thank. Is there a skilful way to do it?

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

Forgiveness sets you free

How we relate to others changes when we realize that we need each other. Our happiness is dependent on caring as much for others as we do for ourselves, perhaps more.

The 10th of the 16 Guidelines for Life — forgiveness — sets you free. In essence, it is a shift of mind that helps us let go and make a new start.

VIDEO: TAKES ON FORGIVENESS

Everyone makes mistakes; it’s part of life and the only way to learn. Yet it can be so difficult to get past our defensiveness and admit our vulnerability and hurt.

Forgiveness demands great courage and sometimes the help of another person. Then it comes more easily when our wish for reconciliation and peace becomes stronger than our anger, disappointment or pain.

Andrew Mech, an Oakville musician and employment counsellor, says: "Forgiveness is opening up your heart and recognizing that people make mistakes. 

"I have a friend who made a very bad mistake in his life that he couldn't do anything about, which was his own little secret. It was eating him up inside and he was suffering from depression and anxiety.

“One day I saw him and he seemed to be much lighter and happier. I asked what had happened and he told me ‘I forgave myself.’”

Reverend Desmond Tutu of South Africa states: “To forgive is not just to be altruistic, it is the best form of self-interest.” 

Try this: Who has the power to upset you and how much time do you spend thinking about them? What expectations or needs did this person fail to meet? Are these realistic? Take a few minutes to reflect on what past causes and conditions may have led to their action. Based on this understanding, are you willing to soften your heart?

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

Respect sews the seeds of change

The happiest people we know nurture warm and appreciative relations with the people around them, sincerely wishing for them to be happy.

The ninth of the 16 Guidelines For Life — respect — warms our heart, strengthens our sense of self and lifts our spirits when it is both given and received.

VIDEO: LIVE HAPPY THROUGH RESPECT

Scientist Albert Einstein’s investigation into the nature of the universe convinced him that human beings are interdependent rather than independent. So mutual respect and co-operation are necessary for all of us to thrive. 

“Respect can be neglected in our society, especially with our elders. Taking the time to understand one another’s position in society and looking at one another with loving kindness and compassion can plant the seeds for change,” says former Beamsville resident Carmen Straight.

Fern Gue, 85, of Burlington, has trained child-care workers for 35 years. “My father was my hero because he earned the respect of every life he touched. He lived what he said. That is what children expect from teachers, clergy and others in authority.”

Her husband Frank, 84, is an engineer, educator and policy advisor. “I see myself as a change agent. I can be on very good terms with members of other parties with different views. You can learn from your opponents as you hope they are learning from you.”

Fern laughs, adding: “At City Hall, we hear ‘Here comes Frank again.’ Not necessarily agreeing with him, but they respect him and admire his commitment to causes.”

Try this: Who has been the role model for your life? Which of their strengths do you yearn to have and which do you have in common already? What is your unique way of expressing these strengths? During the next week, notice and celebrate every time you put them to good use, and remember the person who has inspired you.


Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

Speaking from the heart

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours,” Monty Python comic Eric Idle once said, highlighting that speech really can hurt.

The eighth of the 16 Guidelines For Life — right speech — takes away fear, brings hope, and makes people laugh and feel closer to one another.

VIDEO: RIGHT SPEECH

“To change my speech, I have to control my thoughts first,” says fundraiser Cristian Cowan, from Brazil.

“Skillfully thinking of the words that match what the person needs to hear, as well as expressing what we need to say in a way that can be heard and felt lovingly is right use of speech,” says Lori Goldblatt of Still Studio in Ancaster.

I used to be called “slave driver.” says New York fashion design manager Angie Prewitt. “Though I was successful, no one liked me.

“I now understand how much suffering my words caused those people that I was so angry at. Now I smile and laugh more and have a positive effect on others. I respect myself now.”

Craig Mackie prototyped a “principles program” at Pine River Institute, a boarding school for teens with addictions in Orangeville.

“When there is the opportunity to share with others truthfully, from your heart, saying what is important to you, it makes it OK for others to do that,” he sayd. “Right speech is when those two things match up. It can be scary, but it can be relieving and empowering.”

Try this: When was the last time that you said something that made you cringe? For the next hour, take care over every word that you say, speaking only words that contribute to the welfare of the person you are talking to. Listen deeply to discover what those words need to be.

To nominate someone in the community who is guided by these guidelines, click on the comment link below.

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.

Letting go of 'me' and 'mine' with Generosity

Certain actions bring about a greater sense of well-being, while others just create unhappiness.

Paying attention to this helps us to take responsibility instead of simply blaming the world and feeling out of control.

The seventh of the 16 Guidelines For Life — generosity — offers the subtle pleasure of letting go and is a powerful, fundamental shift from the limited world of “me” and “mine.”

VIDEO: GENEROSITY

Joy comes in the love and kindness of doing something for someone.

It is natural to give to special people in our lives. What about those we don’t know? How far will we go to be generous to the people we don’t like, smiling or giving up a place in a line or parking space?

“You make a living by what you get. You make a life by what you give,” former British prime minister, Winston Churchill once said.

Nancy Bliss, who owns the Just Bliss jewellery kiosk at Burlington Mall, says: “Generosity can be given in many ways. My parents always gave. It wasn’t necessarily money. It was their time and wisdom. Mentors, friends, coaches give support. People appreciate that. and those are the things you remember.

Some people who give a lot of money to others may have another agenda and may expect something in return instead of giving it from the heart. It is the motivation that makes the difference.”

Try this: Could you be giving more to others than you do at the moment? In what area would that be — your time, skills or resources? Are you willing to engage beyond your normal comfort zone? Commit to one thing now.

Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw, director of The Centre for Compassion and Wisdom in Burlington, is coauthor of 16 Guidelines For Life, available at website centreforcompassionandwisdom.com.